Get back in that boat!

I found myself, a few months ago, alone.  I had my boys, but my husband, the person who was supposed to be with me "til death do us part" was gone.  I sat thinking I had no other options, but DIVORCE!?  I had pity party after pity party after pity party.  So, I did just what I thought I HAD to do to move forward, I went to see a lawyer.  Even as I sat in his office discussing the process, I STILL felt like this was not what I NEEDED to do but what I HAD to do in order to be better.  I made an appointment to see my doctor and began taking medicine to help me cope...again, not what I felt like I NEEDED but what I HAD to do in order to survive.  I couldn't convince Ryan to go to counseling with me so I went to a counselor alone.

Then, I got ANGRY...on the surface.  I pretended to be so angry that my life had turned out this way, that no matter what, I would NEVER be with Ryan again.  It was O-V-E-R!!!  I had tried and I had failed.  I was done with marriage and was going to be a single mom for the rest of my life.

Right now, I want to sidebar for just a moment.  I want to say how important it is to have TRUE, PRAYING, BOLD friends who will call you out when you are doing wrong, who will talk to you at any hour of the day and night, who will pray for you, who will LOVE you no matter what and who will not give up on what God has for you even if you have.

I was one week to the day from finalizing the divorce paperwork, when I got an email from a friend.  She wanted me to know that God was not finished with my marriage.  She recommended a Christian Couple who offer couseling, a couple God had really laid upon her heart specifically for us.  As this point, I felt like I had done everything imaginable in order to save my marriage.  I mean, Ryan had refused counseling over and over, so what makes me think this time would be any different?!  So, reluctantly, I called Ryan and asked him to meet me in the parking lot of his work to talk.  All the way there, I prayed, asking God if it was His will for us to work, if he was truly not finished with us as couple, that Ryan would agree, without hesitation, to go to counseling.  I arrived in the parking lot and Ryan was already waiting outside.....crying.  Before I could get a word out of my mouth, he told me he was sorry and that if I was still willing he would go with me to counseling.  Ya'll, I about fainted!  REALLY?! 

That weekend I had planned to go to a conference for moms called .Mom, in Birmingham.  Ryan had agreed to take care of the boys at our house while I went.  And let me just say, AGAIN, how God amazes me day after day, minute after minute.  This entire weekend I felt God had created JUST FOR ME!!!!  Every speaker that spoke, every break-out session I attended, God had ordained just for me.  As I sat in one particular morning session, I was asked by another BOLD friend, who I wouldn't trade for a million bucks, to go out and talk.  She knew I was hurting and again, told me just exactly what my other friend had said, "God is not finished with your marriage.  Divorce is NOT an option."  I began to think God was trying to tell me something.  HA!

I sat in the last general session of the weekend waiting on none other than Priscilla Shirer to speak.  I was beginning to feel overwhelmed at the thought of having to go back home....to LIFE!!  Now Priscilla, whew, she is always just a powerful speaker, but today, she was on FIRE!!!  She walked the aisles of the room as she talked about Peter.  She spoke about how Peter fished night after night and caught nothing.  Finally, one day Jesus showed up, asking Peter to go back out to where he had just left from a full night of fishing, with nothing to show for it. Only this time JESUS asked Peter to let Him go along so that he could preach.  As she spoke, I realized that she was talking about my life.  I had been out in the deep dark water ALONE and that God was wanting me to go back out there (home, where it felt hopeless) with him in the boat with me this time. 

She talked on and then she stopped, stood up in a chair and said this and I quote, "Someone here today is on the brink of disaster.  You are at the end of your rope.  God says for me to tell you that DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION"!  Hello!!!!!!!  Oh. My. Gosh!  GOD just spoke directly to ME through PRISCILLA SHIRER!!!!!!  Then she said this.... "God is going to turn your situation around in a way that only HE can.  And when he does, he is going to use your boat as a platform to draw people unto him."  I sat in awe the rest of her message.  At the end of the day, she asked for people to stand if they were willing to make a commitment to return home with Jesus in there boat.  Of course, I stood up and have not been the same since.

God is in my boat, Ryan's boat, OUR boat.  We invite Him in daily.  Now, don't get me wrong, things are not perfect for us.  We did have to attend counseling.  We both have accountability partners who hold us VERY accountable to what God has called us to do.  One thing that God has told us, me in particular, to do is SHARE.  Like I said in past posts, I am not comfortable with this.  I am not brave, but I am willing.  I am willing to do whatever God asks me to do because he paid the ultimate price for me.

God wants me to tell someone tonite just exactly what he told me a few months ago.  He is not finished with you yet.  I know you are on the brink of disaster but get back in that boat, only this time, let God in too.  Remember, the will of God won't lead you where the grace of God can't keep you.  You will never be out of his care.  REMEMBER, the Lord's already there.

I leave you with this picture of Priscilla and me during the weekend that forever changed my life.

The Common Factor

I have the same routine every morning.  Imagine that, ME, the planner, doing the same thing every morning.  Ryan leaves for work before me, so I am left each day with both boys to get ready as well as myself and be out the door no later than 7:15.  I drive from Leesburg to Centre, get on the bypass, drop Harrison off at daycare, Sam off at his school and then drive myself to my school.  There are times when I get to work and realize that I don't remember driving from Leesburg to Centre.  Not one rememberance of it whatsoever.  I know I get in the car, I know I drop my boys off,  and I know I made it to work but for the life of me I cannot remember the drive in.

This is how I found myself one day with my marriage.  I remember thinking...How did we get here?  How did things get so bad without me realizing it?  How can my husband tell me that he doesn't love me anymore, and that isn't sure he wants to be married to me anymore, and me not SEE it coming? 

Were there warning signs? 
I played back in my head from the beginning of my marriage to that particular day.  As I thought about it, YES, there were MAJOR warning signs.  Warning signs that went back to 6 months into our marriage.  Warning signs that I SHOULD NOT have missed.  It's like driving down the road and not seeing the "Caution: Turn Back" sign or the "DANGER" sign until it's almost too late and you are hanging on the edge of a cliff, fearing for your life.  This is exactly where I was, on the edge of a cliff, about to fall into the deep dark valley of divorce. 

There was one common, missing factor in every year of our marriage, every month of our marriage, every week of our marriage, every day of our marriage.  The common factor was that our marriage was not GOD-CENTERED.  Ryan and I hardly ever took the time to pray together.  We rarely ever talked about God.  We didn't allow him to be the ruling master of our lives, of our marriage.  Are we Christians?  YES!  Do we love God? ABSOLUTELY!  Did we leave God out of our marriage?  Sadly, yes!

So, in this first blog post, this is what I want to say.  No matter what your circumstances, whether you are single, married, divorced, or widowed, allow God to be the center of your life.  He is begging for a relationship with you.  He is knocking constantly for you to let him in to be the ruler of your life.  Don't wait until your life is on the edge of a cliff, teetering on the brink of disaster.  Go. Now. Seek. Find.

 Seek and Find that friend who sticks closer than a brother.  Seek and Find that answer you have been waitng for.  Seek and Find that fulfillment you have been searching for.  Seek and Find...GOD!!!

"But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them." ~ Deuteronomy 4:29-31 (the message)

The plan... CHANGED!!!

I have a confession.  I am a planner.  I plan and plan and plan EVERYTHING.  I have in my head how every part of my life is supposed to go.  I spend months, literally, planning my boys' birthday parties.  I have a plan for everything from career, to family, to Christmas presents, every part of my life is planned to the "T".  I am here to tell you today that NOWHERE and I do mean NOWHERE in my plans did it include the "D" word, and by "D" word, I mean Divorce!  Yes, I said it, DIVORCE.  That dreaded word we never think about when we get engaged to the man of our dreams.  That dreaded word never enters your mind when you are walking down the aisle to say "I do".  You never one time think of that word when you find out you are going to give birth to a little bundle of joy. 

It's seems so surreal even now to sit here and type those two words together...at the same time....in the same sentence....about ME!!!!!  I mean, what is God thinking!!!  I am a Christian.  I go to church.  I try to do good, very good, all the time.  My husband is a YOUTH MINISTER for crying out loud.  Hello, have you met me?!  What have I done so wrong to deserve this?! 

You wanna know the answer I came up with (well, I cannot take credit for it at all because it came straight from my Father above)?!  Here it is...  Trials, pits, valleys, wildernesses, deep water... these times in our lives:
1.  Are no respector of persons.
2.  Are used by Satan to TRY to keep us from doing what God has called us to do. 

God, on the other hand, allows Satan to try us, just like he did with Job and with Jesus, to teach us something.  When God teaches us something, he wants us to SHARE our story.  Ok, wait a minute.  Did I just type that?  Did God say, "Share?".  Get this, I have been out in the deep water, the unknown water, the dark water for so long and now that I FINALLY have my feet back on solid ground, you wanna sweep me back out there, where it's scary and uncomfortable to....SHARE?!  HAHA!!!  Are you crazy???  Again, have you met me, God?!  I have prayed and prayed and prayed and begged God to "let this cup pass from me".  I have told God, pretty bluntly, that I don't wanna share what I have been through.  It's tough, it's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable. 

A few weeks ago, in Sunday School, a friend of mine was sharing about her daughter and how she has to tell her every day to pick up her shoes and take them to her room after school.  Every day her daughter says, "Mom, I don't feel like it".  So, I even tried that with God saying, "God, I don't feel like sharing what I have been through."  And do you know what God said back to me?!  Disclaimer:  This WILL sting you.  He said, "What if I didn't feel like sending Jesus to die on the cross for YOUR sins."  Read that again and let it soak in for a minute.  OUCH!!!!!!  And then He said something else...  "People aren't going to listen to you if you have a PERFECT life.  You have to have a story to tell, one that people will listen to."  But here's the part that really got me.  He said, "They aren't going to dwell on what you went through as much as they will REMEMBER what I have done through this trial in your life."

So, here I sit.  Ready to share... Scared to death!  But I know this is what God is leading me to do.  So, I will begin a series of blog posts starting next week on the past 2 years of my life.  Let me tell you that this isn't going to be easy for me to type nor is it going to be easy for you to read.  I beg you not to judge me or my husband.  God has forgiven, we have forgiven, and we are moving foward.....together.  I ask you to pray for me as God gives me the words.  I ask you to pray for Ryan and I as we continue on this Marriage Journey with God as our PILOT and us as he willing passengers.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9